Thank you, Grace and Almandra...

I sit here, a mixed bag of emotions, and I contemplate about what I’m actually feeling in this moment. Throughout the day I was presented with random waves of uneasiness, intense sadness, utter joy, bouts of frustration and fear, and oddly enough, homesickness.

I could feasibly reflect upon my initial proposed blog topics that await me in an open composition book next to me in bed, intently staring at me, crying out to be shared; however, Grace and Almandra, two sweet human beings with eyes so innocent, consumed the remaining bit of energy within me this afternoon. Our brief, yet powerful interactions  (bear hugs, kisses, sweet songs & smiles) finally cracked my well-constructed personal dam, the tears fought relentlessly, and then the guilt began to set in. Why am I here? Why am I not giving my own son this much love and attention? Why did I leave my boys behind? Why are my students’ futures as competent, respectful individuals so important to me?

Unsure whether it was my afternoon hip opening postures on my mat, or my glance at a photo of my two incredible boys back home that released the floodgates, but I felt raw, guilty for giving too much love and my full self to students and natives in Tanzania, while quite possibly neglecting my boys’ needs back home, guilty for abandoning the students at Loamo come this Friday, yet guilty for leaving my son behind in Michigan. Every single day Axel’s last statement before falling asleep the night before I left resonates with me: “Mama, please don’t die over there in Africa, please come back.” And yet I’m being pulled in the opposing direction, as students and teachers here grab my hand, squeeze me fiercely, pleading, “Please don’t go. Take me with you.” My heart aches, I feel wounded, but I am sure that time will heal my recently created wounds. It always does, every service trip, and so does the initial hug and squeal from my son upon my return.

I possess a unique perspective, a mother’s perspective, one that is sometimes difficult to express to fellow chaperones and student volunteers, yet I am glad, as I have a mother’s love to give, freely without hesitation, but it does come with a degree of regret that I cannot fathom most days. God, give me the strength and courage to continue to serve my last couple days with a full heart, to let go of my guilty conscience, to continue to live by my morals and values, to support and empower my students to the end, and to leave believing that I lightened their load, comforted the lonely hearts, and ultimately left a positive footprint.

With much gratitude…