Thank you, Grace and Almandra...

I sit here, a mixed bag of emotions, and I contemplate about what I’m actually feeling in this moment. Throughout the day I was presented with random waves of uneasiness, intense sadness, utter joy, bouts of frustration and fear, and oddly enough, homesickness.

I could feasibly reflect upon my initial proposed blog topics that await me in an open composition book next to me in bed, intently staring at me, crying out to be shared; however, Grace and Almandra, two sweet human beings with eyes so innocent, consumed the remaining bit of energy within me this afternoon. Our brief, yet powerful interactions  (bear hugs, kisses, sweet songs & smiles) finally cracked my well-constructed personal dam, the tears fought relentlessly, and then the guilt began to set in. Why am I here? Why am I not giving my own son this much love and attention? Why did I leave my boys behind? Why are my students’ futures as competent, respectful individuals so important to me?

Unsure whether it was my afternoon hip opening postures on my mat, or my glance at a photo of my two incredible boys back home that released the floodgates, but I felt raw, guilty for giving too much love and my full self to students and natives in Tanzania, while quite possibly neglecting my boys’ needs back home, guilty for abandoning the students at Loamo come this Friday, yet guilty for leaving my son behind in Michigan. Every single day Axel’s last statement before falling asleep the night before I left resonates with me: “Mama, please don’t die over there in Africa, please come back.” And yet I’m being pulled in the opposing direction, as students and teachers here grab my hand, squeeze me fiercely, pleading, “Please don’t go. Take me with you.” My heart aches, I feel wounded, but I am sure that time will heal my recently created wounds. It always does, every service trip, and so does the initial hug and squeal from my son upon my return.

I possess a unique perspective, a mother’s perspective, one that is sometimes difficult to express to fellow chaperones and student volunteers, yet I am glad, as I have a mother’s love to give, freely without hesitation, but it does come with a degree of regret that I cannot fathom most days. God, give me the strength and courage to continue to serve my last couple days with a full heart, to let go of my guilty conscience, to continue to live by my morals and values, to support and empower my students to the end, and to leave believing that I lightened their load, comforted the lonely hearts, and ultimately left a positive footprint.

With much gratitude…

God, Grant Me Strength

Frustrated, yet genuinely grateful, I reflect on my first couple days at LOAMO, the English Medium school in Arusha, Tanzania, our service project of focus this week and next.  

Students at LOAMO are wide-eyed, grinning from ear to ear, elated to be a student, eager to learn, attentive, curious, respectful, and responsive. The love for learning is infectious, and I continually find myself asking the question, "Why can't WE get it right?" (in my small bubble of Eagle County, that is) Education is the top priority here in Tanzania, and I'm baffled by the level of English they know and use regularly,  even in the Baby and Kinder classes.  

Four elements for successful learning remain apparent: God's Word, repetition, volume, and recitation. Morning assembly begins with prayer, recitation of Bible verses of the week, and genuine fun movement, all three which transfer into the classroom. The routine of repetition, volume and recitation initially alarmed me, yet even with ringing ears by 9am, I understand its purpose---student engagement. However, if I dared implement the disciplinary procedures/protocol practiced here in Tanzania in my home school, I wouldn't have a job the following day. Physical discipline is practiced, embraced, and appreciated, especially by parents, as it is believed to help cultivate a well-rounded human  being. Would you consider this a child-rearing or child-fearing atmosphere? It's intriguing, to say the least, yet rips at my aching heart to see tears in these big, brown eyes. Whipped for causing unsafe situations and being disrespectful? Yes, I support it. But for working at a slower pace than their peers?  

LOAMO staff members truly "tell it like it is" in the Prep and Kinder classes; Identifying laziness, acknowledging behaviors, and stating the obvious in regards to progress embody the environment, yet for some odd reason, it appears to work. Well, for the majority... As I checked one boy's classwork, I noticed several words had been written backwards. I instantly felt my own son's pain and humiliation as the teacher singled him out at the blackboard, telling him that he never writes correctly, and that he must get it right the next time or else, punishment with the stick. Kids laughed; my heart sank. I cannot fathom the feelings of failure both he and my son have felt in those moments, quite possibly wondering why they can't understand or produce like their peers, regularly experiencing anxiety at the beginning of each new activity for their foundational skills haven't been mastered. The lack of differentiation here, clearly not the teacher's fault for lack of proper education and training, forces students to keep at the same pace as their peers, despite learning differences.  

After much self-reflection, inquiry and selfless contributions thus far, I am emotionally drained, so I ask God to give me the strength to continue serving with a grateful heart, to make a lasting impact on the lives of staff and students, and to support my own students through this journey to find greatness within themselves. Tomorrow brings a new day, new opportunities, and new learning. Couple that with downright darn good belly laughs, tears for all emotions, and the mindset of giving no less than 100%, we are a force to be reckoned with, a team with intense passion ready to shine bright. 

God bless, Asante, and Kwa Heri, Jen  

Serenity PrayerReinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this lifeand supremely happy with Himforever in the next. Amen.